10 February

There Ain't No Such Thing as a Free Lawn
(An Economic Fallacy in Four Acts)

Day 1

"'S'up, Mr. O?"

"Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh."

"You're in a good mood."

"Bad drought this year. Worst drought since WWII."

"And this amuses you?"

"No, son, what amuses me is my brilliant solution to it. Going to have the greenest lawn on the block."

"..."

"Heh heh heh heh."

"Does it have something to do with this hose running out of your window here?"

"That's right, my friend. Indeed it does. The well's nearly dry, been running sluggish. Got this hose here hooked up to an adapter on the utility sink downstairs. Going to crank that sucker on full blast."

"Please tell me the other end isn't running into your well."

"Don't be absurd, son. I've got the other end hooked up to that sprinkler out there. Going to use this to supplement what's coming out of the well. Green things right up."

"But all the water flowing into your house comes from the well. Plus, that hose is all leaky and decrepit; you're losing a good deal of water before it even gets out of your house. Not to mention your underground sprinkler system is already set up to deliver water where it does the most good - that sputtery, dribbly sprinkler you're running the hose to barely reaches past your front porch."

"..."

Day 2

"'S'up, Mr. O?"

"Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh."

"Got the kinks worked out of your system?"

"That's right. It's science. Science never fails."

"Something to do with these wires running into the ground next to your well?"

"Oh, you mean the wires running to the 10 kilowatt heating element I attached to the well this morning? Those wires?"

"..."

"It's basic physics, son. Volume varies directly with temperature, as every physicist agrees. More volume means more water. More water means more green in the grass, everyone's a winner."

"...but it's not more water - it's the same amount of water, just taking up more space. You've got the same number of H₂O molecules running through your hose; all you've done is reduce the greening power of the water per unit volume. Not to mention the energy you're wasting running that heater."

"..."

Day 3

"'S'up, Mr. O?"

"Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh."

"I can already see the rolling fields of verdant green."

"You mock what you don't understand, boy. This time it's foolproof."

"Something to do with this anvil-shaped contraption in your driveway?"

"Son, you're off your nut. That there Acme Quantum Water Cadger looks nothing like an anvil."

"Acme Quantum..."

"Water Cadger. Arrived this morning. It borrows water against future supplies, allowing me to green up my lawn on a water deficit."

"...against future supplies..."

"Sure. Science, remember? There's some sort of hyperhydric chamber in there..."

"...hyperhydric chamber..."

"...that - that's right, hyperhydric chamber - that collapses the waveform for..."

"Come on!"

"...the waveform for...well, anyway, it borrows water. And at a very low interest rate!"

"So this feeds into your well?"

"Well, no, it needs a source to borrow from, of course."

"Of course."

"So it draws from the well and feeds out..."

"To that same old dribbly sprinkler..."

"...to that, well, yes, but it can draw more water than what actually is coming from the well."

"But you're still diverting resources from a more efficient water delivery system to a less efficient one, and paying interest for the privilege - all you're doing is translating your drought forward in time and worsening its effects when the bill finally comes due."

"..."

Day 4

"'S'up, Mr. O? Any rain yet?"

"..."

"..."

"Man, fuck you."

<Fin>